Just For Grins - RAF Upper Heyford, England

"This was a black and white print measuring about 21" x 16" published back in 1976 by Jago Stone, a popular English artist. I wasn't able to buy one of these at the time as they were always sold out, but before I left I took this picture of it".
Submitted by Duane Park, 20th SPS, Nov 1976 - Nov 1978.
Sleep Tight Tonight....
"This guy cracks me up. Always willing to share a good laugh. I think someone modified his image on a poster w/ a 20th TFW logo from RAF Upper Heyford U.K. They then added something to the effect, 'Sleep tight tonight, Heyford is on Alert'. I guess this might be the original pic w/story included. Copyright AF Magazine. He'd make a darn good looking mascot. Ha!" -- Curt Lenz, Assistant WebMaster, http://FB-111A.net

Pilots Weather Forecasting Stone "What to wear when your wife pulls out the honey-do list!"

From the US Air Force web site.
Submitted by Duane Park.
National "Take Your Kid To Work" Week
Submitted by Joey "JoJo" Johnson.

AF Pilot
Texas A&M Stadium
Submitted by Paul DeHart, 2130th CommGp, RAF Croughton, Oct 1972 - Oct 1974.

"Alternative" USAF Rank Chart A new retiree greeter at Walmart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, General."
Submitted by Mike Graham, 20th Security Police Squadron, "A" Flight, 1975 - 1978.

Fox Hat video clip.

The following military humor in this section submitted by Allan Bogart, 20th SPS.

Some Air Force bases are on fields where they share one side of the field with civilian aircraft controlled by the same tower. One day the tower received a request from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Aircraft calling identify."
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If this is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to happy hour."

During training exercises, a Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, handing the Lieutenant his keys, "yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the young seaman coming to the end of his enlistment, "I suppose after you're discharged you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief," the Seaman replied. "After I get out of the Navy I'm never going to stand in line again."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer, let's try that again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"

LUNCH AT THE O' CLUB
One day, a Navy Captain went to the Officer's Club to eat lunch. When he entered the main dining room, he found the place was quite crowded. He did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit there.
They promptly invited him to join them. He ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Captain mentioned that he had observed characteristics about officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.
The Captain turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how the Captain had noted this. The Captain replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background and limited military experience.
The Captain then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how the Captain had determined this. The Captain said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Captain asked if he had determined his source of commission. The captain replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the Captain had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy. The Captain replied that it was none of these that led to his determination.
The Captain had simply noted the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
Submitted by Chuck Welch, 20th SPS.

A two-engine F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message to the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. However, the B-52 then only continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

Submitted by Mike Kaplan, 520th Aircraft Generation Squadron, 55th AMU, Jan 1986 - Jan 1988; 55th FS Flight Control and Instrument Systems Specialist, Aug 1990 - Jan 1994.

A few aviation jokes, some old some new
In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace." "Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. "We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty". "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us? " There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" "No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared...
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, " The dreaded Seven-Engine approach".
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Submitted by David Allhusen, 20th SPS, 1976 - 1979.

Certificate Of Merit
Submitted by James Burrell, 20th MMS, bomb crew 12, Sep 1975 - Sep 1977.

"Cracks Found On Navy Helo"
Submitted by David de Botton.

"Ribbons I didn't get."
Submitted by David Allhusen, 20th SPS, 1976 - 1979.

"I don't remember the particulars of the artist (Gore -- not Al -- I'm sure) except that he was assigned to Heyford and, if memory serves me, he was an enlisted man in MMS or OMS. The digital photograph of this cartoon illustration is courtesy of Brian VanGorden." Submitted by Kelly J. Healy.
Mark Sinclair writes: "I noticed the Just for Grins section that shows the F111 art work. The artist was Sgt Ken Gore, a fellow AMS, CNPA shop coworker of mine during the 77-79 era. He had tons of these paintings that he did including a wall-sized one painted on the breakroom wall of our shop in building 300. I often wished that I had bought one of the prints he made of these great paintings."
See more of these by Ken Gore on the Artwork page.

"Our Calling Card."
Submitted by Alfred W. Plouffe; SSgt, 20 OMS 1975-1978, and MSgt, 77 TFS Production Super 1981-1985.

Submitted by Duane Park, 20th SPS, "C" Flight Aircraft Security, Nov. 1976 - Nov. 1978, and webmaster, http://www.raf-upper-heyford.org.

"Whistling S___ House"
Submitted by Steve Mock, MSgt, (ret), ABR57170 Airborne Rescue Specialist DET 2, 40thARRWg, Aug 1969 - May 1973.

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions:
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.
P [in list below means] - The problem logged by the pilot.
S [in the list below means] - The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Submitted by Susan "Sparky" Kincaid (now Allen), 20th AMS from Chris Wheeler Wiley, Captain (retired) USAF.

"FOD kills."
Submitted by Mike Kaplan.

"What we know about bin Laden is: He is worth over $300 Mill, has 5 wives and 26 kids, and hates us for our "excessive" lifestyle." - D. Letterman
Submitted by Pete "Squatswitch" Doe, Lt. Col., HQ Squadron, Assistant DCM, Jun 1982 - 1983 & Maintenance Operations Officer, 1984 - Jul 4 1985.

Communication Skills
Read this first then look at the picture.
You are the chief airplane washer at the company hangar and you:
(1) Hook high pressure hose up to the soap suds machine.
(2) Turn the machine on.
(3) Receive an important call and have to leave work to go home.
(4) As you depart for home, you yell to Don, your assistant, "Don, turn it off."
(5) Assistant Don thinks he hears, "Don't turn it off." He shrugs, and leaves the area right after you.
(6) Click on the thumbnail picture for the results.

As with any occupation, make sure personnel have a clear understanding of what you are communicating! Actually happened!
Submitted by Harold Messimer.

The Patriotic Barber
In a barber Shop In a small town near Washington, DC, the barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight." The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation."
The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt. That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country."
The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note. That same day, a Master Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happened, small talk about the service. When the Master Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Master Chiefs!
Submitted by Margaret Fetner, wife of Sgt. Steve Fetner who served with the 20th Security Police Squadron on "C" Flight...

At The Gates
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was an AF Security Policeman, sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta go pee, watch the gate will ya?"
-Submitted by Margaret Fetner, wife of Sgt. Steve Fetner who served with the 20th Security Police Squadron on "C" Flight.

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This page was last updated on 3 May 2008.